found this.

I got this at summer camp one year. I just dug it out of one of my older bibles. What a great little reminder. :)
 

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone. To have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to the Christian says, "No, not until you're satisified and fulfilled and content with living, loved by Me alone and giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.

"I love you, My child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me -- exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires or belongings.

"I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must wait.

"Don't be anxious and don't worry. Don't look around at the things you think you want. Just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I have to show you.

"And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working this minute to have both of you ready at the same time, and until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I've prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is perfect love.

"And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know I love you. I am God Almighty, believe and be satisfied."

happy anniversary... 5 days late.

I missed my blogging anniversary. :( I haven't been a consistent blogger throughout this busy year, but it still would have been nice to celebrate. December 6th was the special day. I remember exactly what I was doing when I created my blog. I was on my top bunk in my vacant suite. My room a little messy. I was soaring through the blogging world reading and pondering what I would blog about if I had an officially blog. I remember thinking to myself, 'every dreamer has a blog'... and here i am. 

I view my little blog as a lazy girl recliner. Not required, but a place of comfort I can go when I need to sort through or unravel the many things running through my head.

This blog in the last year, captured some of the heaviest things on my heart. It was a year of ups and a year of downs. It was a year of gains and a year of losses. It was a year of choices and changes. A year of letting go and hanging on tight. This year was remarkable. This year was eventful. It was a year. 

allow me to highlight. 

i struggled in school. i wondered if i would be able come back. 

i took a class on forgiveness instead of fulfilling another field observation. not only did i learn a lot, but realized sometimes a door will close so others can open. now i'm going to Jamaica to fulfill another field observation and would not have had this amazing opportunity had things happened 'how i planned'. thank you Father. 

in the last year i realized that the shy smart girl in my ed.psych course was actually a more quiet version of me that i would grow from and create a connection much deeper than with any other dear friend. 

i narrowed the field of social work i'm interested in. -- who am i kidding? i love kids and especially the fiesty ones. 

i engaged in not one but two all women's bible studies. 

i lost a friend. i lost a friend who said, 'I'd rather live the short life i have left with God, than a long empty one without him.'

i made a pact with myself. i'm at peace with who i am. 

i forgave. i rekindled. i let go. 

some friends... you will have forever. not even a graduation or a fist fight will separate.  these are your best friends. 

learning how to play the guitar takes practice. 

i know what i don't want. 

i spoke about Jesus in a large group of people. 

i served and i served and i loved and i loved. I served and I loved and I loved to serve. 

most importantly, i grew. i grew in my faith. i laughed a little more and wined a little less. i realized that allowing God to work in your life and telling him to take the lead is so much easier than trying to do it yourself.

one is silver and the other's gold.

cold lemonade on a hot summers day.
or a cup of spice tea with honey
perhaps a gentle smile
or a glass of red wine...
that's what it feels like... 
to converse with someone who gets it.
and what does get it mean you might ask?
gets you.
gets what you're about.
gets what you fight for.
gets what you're passionate about.
gets who you pray to.
gets what you want.
gets what you're looking for.
a breath of fresh air
a sense of relief
an aquaintance 

a professor
a friend.

noteworthy movie trailers.

I'm a huge movie trailer buff. I love going to Apple Trailers once a month and figuring out which movies I am going to NEED to see! There are SO many, that I've decided to make a list.

The Evening Sun (Out tomorrow, Nov 6th)

Precious (trailer gave me chills and made me tear up, Out tomorrow Nov. 6th)

Dear John (Based on a Nicolas Sparks Novel, so tear jerker, naturally)

Amelia (super empowering)

Everybody's Fine (going to be my favorite Christmas Movie of the year)

Invictus (Morgan Freeman and Matt Damon-- need I say more?)

Mammoth (for the social worker in me)

Motherhood (for giggles... and the future mother in me)

Women in Trouble (because I'm a girls girl, feminist, and am looking forward to critiquing this one)

The Boys are Back (missed this one when it came out in theaters in Sept. but still wanting to see it)

Bright Star (missed this in Sept. my best friend Christina will love this. for the poet and romantic in both of us)

An Education (stina pants will also watch this one with me, and we will both love it)

The Messenger (i'm intrigued.)

musica that will improve your quality of life.

I'm just SO very excited about Ingrid Michaelson's latest album. Please do yourself a favor and purchase it. I can't even put into words how great it is! 

SECONDLY, I recently developed a little crush on Rachael Yamagata... so, it would be in your best interest to also purchase her latest album. In the words of my best friend Christina... "the female version of Ray LaMontagne"...

woman at the well

If you just LOVE the bible story about the Woman at Well... you WILL LOVE this little video. 

and if you DON'T LOVE that bible story, I think you will still appreciate this video. 

Just click here. :)

Top 10 things on my mind Friday

 

I kept wanting to update my status on facebook because I had so many things I wanted to broadcast to the world...but i felt like it was getting a bit obnoxious-- SO- these are my random plugs and thoughts for this rainy Friday. 

1. I'm church hunting in Minneapolis for the spring semester- if anyone has any suggestions, throw them at me. I might be getting a little ahead of myself, but this tends to relieve some anxiety that comes along with starting a new chapter of my life. 

2. I'm getting a new phone- if anyone has any suggestions as I embark on the great adventure into the verizon cellular world... please give them to me. 

3. Apples and peanut butter have become my new favorite desert... and snack.

4. I JUST LOVE FLANNEL on rainy/ cold days. 

5. I get to go home today for fall break! 

6. Brandon Heath's version of Heavenly Day is something to talk about. Please look it up. You won't regret it.

7. Please pray for the Jensen family as they are in the waiting game- Amy's pain meds increased last night. Pray for comfort for both Amy and her family. 

8. Even though I'm not going to school to be a teacher-- I felt like this was COMPLETELY empowering and worthy enough to share with anyone who reads this- and share with all the teachers you know. It will remind them why they do what they do. :) so, GO here  . Taylor Mali is just absolutely WONDERFUL


9. For all of my fell social work friends-- Please then take the time to go to Taylor Mali's website, click on the "What Teacher's Make" Tab-- and... View the version of... "WHAT SOCIAL WORKERS MAKE"-- it's a great little piece as well.

10. HAVE a wonderful WEEKEND! :)

please watch this.

please watch this movie. it would make me very happy if you did. please invest yourself emotionally into these women while watching this movie. please come back and and have a discussion with me after you've watched it-- oh please oh please just do it. you won't regret it. i never did.

A little taste of my Women's Studies Presentation

I did a presentation on Women in Christianity and where we stand-- I put this little video together to play while I was giving my presentation of past examples of the emphasis philosophers and theologians had on the church and women in the church and what we as women can do today. I thought some of you might be interested.

Just in case any of you were wondering... the first song is This Woman's Work by Kate Bush and then the second song was Grace Flows Down by The Passion Worship Band

Not impressed with this bible study.

i'm doing a beth moore bible study through the church here in town. my roommate and i did beth's esther study last spring and decided to indulge in her fruit of the spirit study this fall. i love beth. (as most do) so our campus ministry team does a bible study as well. i wanted to see if I could get my hands on the women's bible study. the leader of course handed me the materials and so last night i very excitedly opened the small book to see what it said.


i looked at the all the chapters first, and decided to skip straight to the chapter on femininity. Hoping that i would find this extremely empowering message-- i, in fact, found the exact opposite.

It started reading about the role of a woman. it emphasized roles of a MOTHER and WIFE... and despite what my dreams and aspirations are... I just feel like women have roles outside of MOTHER and WIFE. If a woman doesn't want to be married... and if she doesn't want to have kids. GREAT! that's her choice. i won't think any less of her.

so it starts to talk about femininity as basically compassion and understanding and nurturing... etc. GREAT! i'm all about compassion-- and all of those things-- do i think a women is less of a women if she's a little bit more forward, bold, and to the point. NOT A CHANCE. and do i think that many of societies issues can be helped if men were taught that it's ok to be compassionate, nurturing, and understanding... I sure DO!

LASTLY, it goes on to blame past radical feminists for obscuring men's and women's identities. It states that because of past things radical feminists have done, women started to get confused about their identity and their role-- as well as men. I absolutely FLEW through the roof. I REFUSE to dismiss what my sister feminists have done for me. If women wouldn't have taken drastic measures such as a hunger strike in prison (alice paul) where would we be. And how about second wave feminists-- i sit in class everyday claiming my education... I could go on... AND ON about things that radical feminists have done for women today-- and I think this anonymous poem sums it up quite nicely...

If you're female and...
...you can vote, thank a feminist.
...you get paid as much as men doing the same job, thank a feminist.
...you went to college instead of being expected to quit after high school so your brothers could go because "You'll just get married anyway", thank a feminist.
...you can apply for any job, not just "women's work", thank a feminist.

...you can get or give birth control information without going to jail, thank a feminist.

...your doctor, lawyer, pastor judge or legislator is a woman, thank a feminist.

...you play an organized sport, thank a feminist.

...you can wear slacks without being excommunicated from your church or run out of town, thank a feminist.

...your boss isn't allowed to pressure you to sleep with him, thank a feminist.

...you get raped and the trial isn't about your hemline or your previous boyfriends, thank a feminist.

...you start a small business and can get a loan using only your name and credit history, thank a feminist

...you are on trial and are allowed to testify in your own defense, thank a feminist.

...you own property that is solely yours, thank a feminist.

...you have the right to your own salary even if you are married or have a male relative, thank a feminist.

...you get custody of your children following divorce or separation, thank a feminist.

...you get a voice in the raising and care of your children instead of them being completely controlled by the husband/father, thank a feminist.

...your husband beats you and it is illegal and the police stop him instead of lecturing you on better wifely behavior, thank a feminist.

...you are granted a degree after attending college instead of a certificate of completion, thank a feminist.

...you can breastfeed your baby discreetly in a public place and not be arrested, thank a feminist.

...you marry and your civil human rights do not disappear into your husband's rights, thank a feminist.

...you have the right to refuse sex with a diseased husband [or just "husband"], thank a feminist.

...you have the right to keep your medical records confidential from the men in your family, thank a feminist.

...you have the right to read the books you want, thank a feminist.

...you can testify in court about crimes or wrongs your husband has committed, thank a feminist.

...you can choose to be a mother or not a mother in you own time not at the dictates of a husband or rapist, thank a feminist.

...you can look forward to a lifespan of 80 years instead of dying in your 20s from unlimited childbirth, thank a feminist.

...you can see yourself as a full, adult human being instead of a minor who needs to be controlled by a man, thank a feminist.

--Author unknown

I'm not about ready to dismiss what our radical feminists have done-- or blame them for the role confusion we find in today's patriarchial society. Any women who dares to believe that radical feminists are to blame, i find as a disappointment to women everywhere.

Bottome line. I've been empowered by bible studies and this isn't one of them. I love Jesus. I'm celebrating diversity in women's personalities and I for one am thankful that i don't have to stay at home and i have the option to do what my heart desires. a woman should not be looked down upon for what she does decide to do with her life. women have been honored in several different roles throughout the bible and so perhaps the role confusion we're seeing is due to the past philosophers and theologins shaping the church with it's gender roles. Just something to think about.

Conversations

I don't know how to say this, I don't know how to stand, I don't know where to put my feet, or where to put my hands.I've got them in my pockets, my fingers are freezing cold, they're wrapped around a ticket stub that's four weeks old, and I don't know how to say this. . I think we've figured out this world is bigger than you and I. We've exhausted our wealth of knowledge and have no more answers for mankind. We've had every conversation in the world about what is right and what has all gone bad, but have I mentioned to you that this is all I am, this is all that I have. . I'm not trying to judge you. That's not my job. I am just a seeker too, in search of God. . Somewhere somehow this subject became taboo. I have no other way to communicate to you. This is all that I am. This is all that I have. . Chorus . I would like to share with you what makes me complete. I don't claim to have found the Truth, but I know it has found me. . the only thing that isn't meaningless to me is Jesus Christ and and way he set me free. This is all that I have. This is all that I am

Thank you Sara Groves for saying what is on my heart. <3

a bit misleading... sorry.

I have a confession to make. As I tried to fall asleep last night at 1am, my body pumped plump full of coffee, I began to ponder and think about my blog.

I've been lying a little bit in my blog. yeah, I'm a liar. Sorry about that.

Well ya see, I'm finding that when I write, it's in incomplete sentences and sort of poetry esque... and it's to relieve some intense emotion that's in my heart or on my brain.

I'm not really that serious all the time. I'm sort of loud and some find me funny. I'm also quite sarcastic. I get nervous about talking about my life to whoever reads my blog. i sort of think that when I write in phrases you can guess what I'm writing about, but you don't actually know and it's sort of puzzle like and then you can apply my phrases to your own life. Also, when i tend to babble about my life, it tends to be less funny on paper. My flair is sort of acting out certain situations and impersonating people who play significant roles in my life.

So my new goal, in an effort to post more frequently, is to reveal a bit more of myself to the blogging world. After all, no one likes a liar. :)

How long until...?

Am I one of those people?
One where I'm meant to be,
by myself for awhile until he.
to figure things out
and navigate my path
create my own
yellow brick road
In a church with a great big steeple
meant to meet he amongst all those people?
Decorate my own room
with feminine decor
and have my own place
with a wind that will take me to the shore
Perhaps like Sally,
that's who I'll be.
Fall for my best friend Harry
Who I never thought of thee.
Phone a lost,
and a vacant home
Just me and the records on the walls
but how long will this last
Only Sir of Everything can tell
and until then,
my beating wild heart will rest.

hodge podge of things

Happy Fourth of July Everyone. :)

so far today i slept for a couple extra hours (and it felt amazing) and the ate the most delicious... grilled tuna cheddar sandwich. mmmm.. I can still taste it in my mouth. As for the rest of the day, I will be spending it with my 21 lovely adolescent ladies. (I work at 3) Which, as far as I'm concerned, I'm ok with. I will also be spending tomorrow with them... (7am-10:30pm) and then again on Monday... (6:30am-10:30pm) phewww... talk about exhausting!

last night was fairly uneventful, which I'm also ok with. Things are falling apart so other things can fall together and that I'm sure of. It's a bit comforting when a person looks at it that way.

PS I watched "my sisters keeper" last weekend. (I'm one of the naughty ones who failed to read the book first) From what I hear it's a bit different then the book. Nevertheless, I cried... and I didn't just tear up in the end... i cried darn near the ENTIRE way through the movie. It was like an endless waterfall of tears. so, if you're in the mood for an excellent tear jerker, I reccommend this movie. staying on the line of tear jerkers-- an easy quick read... Grace by Richard Paul Evans. Pick it up. You won't regret it. :)

I apologize for this ADHD blog post. It's a bit all over the place. Just so many random things to say and tell. :) Have a good weekend. God Bless!

for all of the times we played girls chase boys...

something's holding me back
I'm fine with laying here
I'd rather read tonight
content heart
although the campfire sounds lovely...
and unrequited love is a bit sad...
i'm still here
I've been dreaming
and I've been laughing
about this night all week
and here I sit
for reasons unknown
imperative i'm certain
a night of Richard Paul Evans
and pink nails
no chasing
not anymore...
I said no... for reasons unknown...

7 c. of summer goals and a tsp of impatience

relationship status: impatient.

restless mostly. i'm quite unsure what has gotten into this dear heart of mine. what's the rush right? i was completely content just a month ago. conclusion: i have an idea.. a vision... a picture. I'm fairly certain that I... Christy MARIE... know EXACTLY what I want... and the idea/vision is not quite in arms length away, IN FACT, I'm not even sure that I can see it... thus forth, an impatient heart.

I think that's what i'm most irritated about. the fact that i can't seem to keep this restless, rambunctious heart of mine under wraps and under control. I mean, i'm pretty sure if Jesus was next to me this is what he'd say... "Slow down Christy dear... your time will come... just keep your eyes on me... and i will take care of everything."-- I mean... I know I need to master this part of my life... and I know he's just preparing my heart... SO IF I KNOW ALL OF THESE THINGS...

WHAT ON EARTH IS MY PROBLEM?

pheww... i'm not sure what it is exactly... however this is what i do know...

This summer has consisted of me being completely consumed and obsessed with my job. i love it. and i've told all of you before, but i'm telling you again. i love it. i spend more time with my girls, that's right MY GIRLS than i do with my own family... or my own friends. Their stories make me cry... and they make me laugh so hard i cry. some might say i'm a too emotionally attached, i just think i feel so much compassion towards these girls. i truly believe that this job has in part transformed me into the person i am. the person i'm becoming. the fire inside of me burning bright... just keeps growing... growing to help these adolescent girls... to provide these troubled young women with the resources they need.

It's comforting knowing that you've found a career path that brings a smile to your face daily. i'm so blessed. i get goosebumps thinking about what the future has in store for me. i dream about where the Lord will take me. I feel absolutely weightless knowing that it's completely up to him. I'm smiling right now just thinking about it. :)

Please don't mistaken this free spirit attitude for a lack of direction. Goals are still created. For example-- this summer's goals are:

1. To run 6 miles. (haven't put a time on it.. too scared to)
2. Visit all of my favorite restaurants at the Lakes at least once.
3. To make it up to St. Paul to see my dear friend Beth once.
4. Volunteer in the Kitchen with best Christina at Camp Shetek
5. take at least one camping/canoeing trip outside of the state of Iowa.
6. go fishing with my dad and grandpa
7. make it to a twins game (maybe when i go to see beth)


With this list of goals... one might ask, "who even has time to be impatient?"

cleaning up

painting by Kay Crain

Now is the time
moving foward
full force ahead
positively
without hesitation
cleaning up the mess I left
dirty history
diminish hatred
start to forgive
humble approach
apologizing and reminiscing
hurting hearts
healing wounds
forgivness
she knows
and would do anything
moving on
new beginnings
right ahead

A Favor to Ask...

My friend tells me yesterday that it was National Prayer Day...

Now, I know this post is a day late. I couldn't quite find the words yesterday. I also know that you can pray any day. So I have a request my friends in the Blogging world...

my friend Amy... her family so much a part of ours for so many years... has been battling Cancer for quite some time now. Things started to look bright around the first of the year... treatments were complete and she was cancer free. Amy had her leg amputated but this didn't stop her in any way. She's overcome many obstacles. Well, just Wednesday she went back for a scan to find out that she now has it in her brain and shoulder. They told her that they are stopping treatment and bringing in Hospice. It's inoperable. They are giving her 4 months.

At seventeen years of age, I have not seen a stronger woman. She repeatedly states that she knows God has a plan for her. She knows God is using her and she just can't wait to see what he has in store for her in the next few months.

So friends in the blogging world, this is what I'm asking of you, pray for Amy and her family. Her family could use some comfort.

Thank you so very much. Have a good weekend.

"That" song....

I've been listening to Ari's song "Christian Dear" on repeat for... well.... at least the last week... It's been consuming my brain... quite possibly more than the ridiculous amount of papers I'm writing... So with that being said... it makes this song DEFINITELY blog-worthy... Please... check it out... here...

Christian Dear- Ari Herstand

I’m sifting through pictures revealing your past life
and the further back in time I see I am reminded of my insignificancy
I’m a new friend a new man and your photos reinforce so simply
I’m a no one in a lone frame of what makes you and me

I can’t believe how quickly I fell just the other day I rang the bachelor bell
Swinging on the rope with my mallet held tight
but a spark lit the strings and burned a brighter light
I’m a new man with a new plan
I’m taking my time like a kid in the sand
I have new tears with new fears
I’m falling in love with a Christian dear

Just hold the light
a little bit higher I can’t read your eyes
I’m growing blind
I’m hanging on thread that last a thousand miles
I’m helpless here a dripping tear
I’m falling in love with a Christian dear
My dear

She left me for a day at the beach her ex boyfriend went to accompany
I sat in my room cutting photographs piecing her in where my heart fell out
I am home sick alone with the unfamiliar feeling of jealousy’s gift
It’s a wrapped fear a trapped tear I’m keeping inside from my Christian dear

Just hold the light
A little bit higher I can’t see your eyes
I’m growing blind
I’m hanging on a thread that lasts a thousand miles
I’m helpless here a dripping tear
I’m falling

Just hold me tight
A little bit longer I can’t help my eyes
I’m falling blind
I’m hanging on a thread but you’re giving me the ties
I’ve let down my guard it’s time to start a reason why
and lift our fear and volunteer
our secrets in the vault where the walls have become clear
I’m helpless here a drying tear
I’m falling clear of reason’s steer
I am shifting gears lifting fear
I’m falling in love with a Christian dear
My dear

I’m sifting through pictures revealing our new life

Music Treasures

I don't think there are many things I love more than finding new music and listening to it on repeat for several different days. I know many of you are all about the treasure hunt at second hand stores for something so vintagy and that's exactly how I feel about music. I can connect with music within the first ten seconds of listening to it. My most favorite feeling-- "HEY! How did you get a hold of my Journal!"-- So because I don't feel it necessary to keep all these little music treasures to myself... I'm providing you with a list of my favorites from the last monthish...

Weaver at the Loom
Breanne Duren
Ari Herstand
Alan Morphew (My 3rd grade retired teacher's son)
The Bright
David James Stewart
The Run
Brandon James
Ray Lamontagne

Check them out and ENJOY. :)

Avoidance

something I've mastered the art of...
I avoid roommates...
paying bills...
friends...
sticky situations...
saying terrible things...
working out (only some days)
especially hard research projects that I have no idea where they are going (this is as of late)
showering (some days)
phone calls by certain individuals...
the fact that i'm hungry
voicemails
painting my toe nails
and most definitely.... my blog

this was supposed to be some therapeutic escape... when sometimes, I just avoid going to blogger because I can't exactly conjure up what i feel enough to post.... and if I can't write that down.. I just don't want to write at all....

not all of these are because I'm lazy or giving up... sometimes for good reasons... sometimes... because a girl just needs a chance to take it ALLL in... and ponder on the idea... sometimes when the rest of your life is moving so fast... you just want to slow down evveerrryyythiinngg..... and just think... and rest.... and sit...

maybe,
waiting for another day
for a brilliant idea
for a calming thought
for your saving grace
for a pedicure gift certificate
for the right time
to speak
to listen
to wait
to.......

GO

Shut up and Sing

Emma's Revolution is coming to Buena Vista next week. We are so lucky! Peace activists artist... it's already sending chills down my spine. While I was scoping out Emma's Revolution on MySpace I noticed that one of their friend is the Dixie Chicks.

I'm a HUGE Dixie Chicks fan. Always have been. Ever since that 5th grade birthday party of mine...

Last year I had the opportunity to see the Dixie Chick's documentary. My friend Alicia actually owns it. I NEVER EVEN KNEW such a thing existed. It was obviously created post President Busch comment.

a few words to describe the documentary...

empowering, moving, funny--

Needless to say I find it absolutely beautiful and I cry every time I watch it. I'm so moved by their strength and I would recommend it to anyone. If you can get your hands on it, don't hesitate to check it out.

friend reflection...

Alright... I first posted this on Facebook... but decided that it needed to be a blog as well... :)

A Good Friend... A best friend.... I've found, a rare commodity.
What exactly is a best friend? Is there a handbook explaining the job description? Many times, I think it would have been useful... for both parties involved. As I entered my adult years, I found that perhaps I wasn't ready to take on that adult role quite yet. And a few years down the road.. I still relapse a little.. I think we all hit a rough patch and some relationships... all kinds... fail before our eyes. Sometimes it's just enough to keep yourself held together and keeping all the pieces to a relationship are just too hard... So, those friends fade. Sometimes your fault, sometimes theirs, and sometimes a failure on both ends. Sometimes the just fizzle out like a 2 liter of diet coke that's been in the fridge a week too long, and sometimes they explode after they've been shaken up a little bit. All, lessons learned.

But here's what I've found, we pick our best friends, because of how they make us feel. The ones who suddenly make us feel at ease with our hectic lives, chip away at the bad day with just a comforting phrase- that's a keeper. I appreciate honesty in my best friend. It's not very often you find someone that you don't mind sharing every detail of your life to...EVEN IF, it's something that's not exactly going to bring a smile to their face. For, neither one of you can hold back, because of the magnetic force drawing you to them to tell them even when you've screwed up the most. But a best friend, I would hope, brings out your best qualities. Encourages you to be a better person. Striving together to grow together. It's just as important to be able to tell your best friend all the wonderful things happening because you know... they'll be just as excited as you are... I guess there comes a point in your life when you realize who really matters... who never did... and who always will...

And so I've found... a best friend or a soulmate... isn't to be taken lightly... They can be just as impacting as the one you choose to marry... just as forgiving, supporting, helping, lifting, encouraging, understanding, telling, calming, and accepting... And just for that reason, don't underestimate the power of a best friend...

BUENOS DIAS!

Puerto Rico was amazing.
I already want to go back.
Picking oranges, bananas, coconuts, and grapefruit off the trees
warm hugs and kisses
crashing waves
painting pretty playground
sun shining
gorgeous views
es muy bonita
Hola!
Estoy Bein?
Adios!
Surfing
Pollo on a stick
Pina Coladas
Snorkeling
hand made jewelery
winding roads
Salsa Dancing
Rice and Beans
PESCA
Organizing
Volunteer
Prayer
Children
Peace
Love

abandoned...

Well, I suppose it's partially my fault.

I mean, in all honesty, I work just enough time to gain their trust. Full time- most of the time 50 to 60 hours a week this summer with the same 22 girls. (more than I can say I spend with any one individual)

And then I leave. I leave for awhile. and only come back at most, one weekend a month. My girls feel like I've abandoned them just like most everyone else in their lives. So when I come back, to nearly all brand new girls (since the group I worked with this summer) it's no wonder I get completely disrespected. To most of them, I WAS the NEW GIRL. Here I am, waltzing in and trying to tell them what to do. Needless to say, my weekend back at work didn't go quite like the others.

After 28 hours with not an ounce of fresh air, I'm EXHAUSTED. I'm tried of arguing and tired of standing. After a day full of being sworn at, yelled at, questioned, laughed at, you name it, it happened-- I'm just flat out tired. There was at one point, I was BEGGING to be "stuck" in the kitchen making all off the food. Bless my fellow staff members who are working full time with this challenging group of adolescent girls.

It's not an easy job. It's not easy for one second. But for all of the times I was completely disrespected, there was that one moment in the last hour that made my job all worthwhile.

A new girl. She had a rough week. Quite aggressive and defiant. I wasn't there for that. What I saw, a young girl, hurt and searching. Searching for someone. Her intentions weren't malicious and her heart was warm and she was hurting. Abandoned by her father, influenced in the worst ways by her mother, degraded by her aunt, her guardian, triggered by her foster mom, and last but not least, taken care of and still physically abused by her sister. She has literally lived the last 15 years of her life feeling like she was worthless. She's been told that. And any dreams she had for herself were so easily crushed by the adult figures around her. It's no wonder she searched for a family. It's no wonder she found a family in a gang. They would protect her.

My goal for the night: To reopen some doors. It started with a simple question... "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I wanted to give her hope. I wanted to feel hope. Her innocent, dry sense of humor touched my heart in the best and worst way possible. When it comes to my job I can hold it together pretty well. I found my heart pretty heavy after tonights discussion and my eyes welled up after she walked away.

I hate that she hurts.

I hate that she's never felt wanted.

and I know... this is why I keep coming back... they deserve to feel compassion from someone...

All you need is a sunrise

Well, I'd be lying if I said I haven't been listening to Brandon Heath for the past three days straight. I'm going to have some overlapage with my best friend Christina's blog. It's just, when you're that excited about something, and something that great happens, it's obvious that you will both want to blog about the same thing.

So, there we are at the Brandon Heath concert. Everyone else was probably there to see Third Day but not my soulmate and I. Brandon starts playing and we are IMMEDIATELY on our feet. We're both fans of praise and worship here and there but our preference... the poetic lyrics coming from the mouth of Brandon Heath. The last post I made was about my ever so permanent tattoo. And I'm certain that I told you the words Beauty Divine are the title of a Brandon Heath song. It just touched me the first time I heard it. I knew it was something I wanted on my body for the rest of my life. After the concert Brandon was waiting out in the lobby area signing some autographs and taking pictures. Christina and I were on no time schedule so we hung out towards the back of the line because we had a list of things to tell Brandon. Needless to say, we only got to number two because of all the excitement. The converrsation went a little like this....

"BRANDON we have a list of things to tell you!"

"Ok, GO!"

"OK, we think you should add "Sunrise" into your set because we really like it and we think that everyone else will love it just as much as we do."

"Ok, duly noted. I was actually thinking the same thing."

"Ok, second thing. I may or may not have gotten the words "Beauty Divine" tattooed on my body."

"YOU DID? SERIOUSLY?"

"well, it's just because I love the song so much. I absolutely love the lyrics."

"REALLY?, well CAN I.... WAIT, WHERE'S IT AT?"

(I proceed to show him)

"Well are you two going to be around for a little bit. If you just wait over there, I'll play it for you when I'm done in like 10 minutes."

"Ok, that sounds perfect."

(Christina and I walk away and squeal in pure excitement like a bunch of ten year old girls that just spotted Hannah Montana.) So, Brandon takes us to an empty auditorium in the very back and digs his guitar out and plays first, "sunrise" and then "beauty Divine". My eyes welled up with tears and my arms had goosebumps. It was such a perfect moment and I wouldn't have wanted to share it with anyone else. I look at the pictures and still find it so hard to believe that THAT ACTUALLY happened. It was perfect.

Onto today-- I was really dreading today. I went to bed dreading today because I just didn't want my perfect weekend to end. (It didn't exactly help today out.) So, I woke up and sat in my robe until the last possible second contemplating playing the sick card and making a cup of coffee and just sitting through my first class but, I drug my "blah" mood self out the door. I went to take a look at my account balance for my trip to Puerto Rico and it was much less than what I had anticipated. Turns out, the church I'm attending in Alta made a donation. God works in mysterious ways. Even though I'm positive the donation had been made a few weeks ago, he waited for me to find out at JUST the right TIME! JUST when I needed a slight pick me up. Thank you Jesus.

All you need is a sunrise-- Brandon Heath

Beauty Divine.

I did it.

and I love it.

and it's everything I want to be reminded of the rest of my life.

It's the angelic symbol for Compassion...

the words are the title of an AMAZING Brandon Heath song...



Does it ever catch your eye
Beauty divine
In an old man's tears
A little girl's smile
If it feels like a song
One that belongs to you
Stop making sense
Your weakest defense
Just quiet your mind
Let the world unwind
See we're not alone
He makes Himself known
in time, His own time
chorus
So *Breathe*
Life will surprise you
Just Be
It's what the world denies you
You see
The truth is all around you
Believe
We're not alone
He makes Himself known
in time, His own time
chorus
So *Breathe*
Life will surprise you
Just Be
It's what the world denies you
You see
The truth is all around you
Believe
Believe
Does it ever catch your eye

Goldendoodles...

I wish I could say that today was as beautiful as the Spring weather God gave us yesterday, however, that's not exactly the case. I waltz out the door this morning with my coffee in hand (infused with chocolate carmel creamer) and about slipped on my behind. Freezing rain is what was in store. I don't think I'm going to exit my room for the rest of the day. It's definitely one of those days, I want to curl up in a ball, read a book, and take a nap.

Now onto my next point... I want a Goldendoodle.... LET ME REPHRASE THAT... I NEED A GOLDENDOODLE...

I've always wanted one... My first year of college I would send my mom pictures reminding her... I took a break for awhile... and NOW I'M BACK... I mean... I REALLY want a tattoo... but I'd rather have a Goldendoodle... and let me tell you... I REALLY like my new jogging shorts... you know.. the kind with a built in sorta underwear and ventilation sides... but...not like I know that I'll really love this little guy or girl...

I'm not sure this burning need is very healthy... I'm sure it would be frowned upon... BUT SERIOUSLY....

They truly are the perfect dog... much like a teddy bear. President Obama has one... (I think) AND NO... that's not why I want one... It's the perfect mix.. a poodle and a golden retriever. Temperament is ideal....

Goldendoodles are an intelligent and obedient family companion. They are everybody's friend and devoted to their family. They are friendly towards children, other dogs and pets, and easy with strangers. They are social dogs, happiest when with people. Goldendoodles are likely to get into mischief and develop behavior problems if they spend most of their lives alone. Their intelligence, eagerness to please, and love of learning make them very easy to train. They are medium-to large sized family dogs with easy dispositions.
Sounds sorta perfect... who needs a man when you can have a Goldendoodle?

Hello Life

Well, here I am again...

Mourning for what I've missed.
Mourning for the person you are.

So, I'm praying to my Prince of Peace
Won't your will be done...?

I feel so crazy for missing you.
and the act of considering...

Hello inner strength
It's nice to meet you again.

Silence speaks in volumes
Greetings harsh realities

Destiny in it's prime
Just catch me now Saving Grace

It's a brand new day
and I've got my faith

Just take my pain
I'm laying it down

I'm singing this anthem to you
My everlasting friend

113 Mph

Ah so frustrated...

I think you're mind is moving 113 mph it's such a a good thing... THAT IS, if you're thoughts are running so fast in an organized fashion. I'm going home to see my best guy friend. My love. It's his birthday and I'm going to surprise him. Tomorrow I get to see my lovely Lindsay. I don't get to see her newlywed working self very often. I'm very excited for she brings a different sarcasm to my life. I miss her dearly. I can't wait until we reminisce tomorrow evening and reaffirm our leaning on type of friendship. However, so sad that I'm not going to be relaxing and karaoke- ing it up with Christina... next weekend my soulmate... NEXT WEEKEND!

I lobbied at the capital Wednesday afternoon. It was an exhausting day however I discovered that I have a secret love for social welfare policy. As I was promoting the mental health parody to one republican (dare I say it) representative... My blood was boiling. While he's concerned about insurance premiums rising 8%... I'm pointing out that by not offering full mental health coverage on insurance plans... will lead to bigger problems and cost our society even more money in the future. This is something so many people don't understand. They are more concerned about the right here and now instead of thinking about what problem they will have on their hands in the near future. Minnesotans have let some of our Iowa legislators know that after they went to full mental health coverage that premiums went up LESS THAN ONE PERCENT-- that sure doesn't sound like 8 PERCENT TO ME... Mr. Republican is getting his numbers from Insurance agents in Iowa... hmmm... Does anyone else see a problem? -- aside from that, if we do see premiums rising... then why not just put a cap on it? Ahhh frustration.. and passion at the same time..

say it with me... VAGINA!

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

-- Thank you Regina Spektor...

I'm feeling very empowered this evening. Exhausted... but empowered. I'm going to give partial credit to the Vagina Monologues. I love when women can join together and connect over the one thing that joins all of us together. I hate seeing women fighting women. Oh the things we could accomplish if we joined together. We all have a story that's very different... yet our stories... so much the same. Upon entering college, my eyes were opened to a much larger world. Various events have made the picture even more large. Thank goodness for events and productions like the Vagina Monologues to keep from our eyes getting foggy, for it's important that we as women stay empowered and understand what is truly going on with not only our bodies, but others as well. Say it with me... VAGINA! :) GO EVE ENSLER!

Oh, and you may wonder why the Regina lyrics, well, I've been listening to this song virtually on repeat for the last 3 hours. I'm giving Regina credit for my failure to push reply. Slowly... but surely....

You lit me up just like a match...

....then you burned me out just as fast...

Well, thankfully I'm writing this now rather than earlier. I'm much more optimistic now. The details are irrelevant at this point, but, just know that I hope my interim is not an issue of all my past relationships being thrown in my face in some way shape or form everyday. Perhaps I'm in need of one last lesson from each one, and there is something special in store for me at the end of the long drive. On the bright side of things, this class will be therapeutic and I've already learned much about forgiveness. I have some anger that I need to let go of. The anger is mine. It's MINE. Just like my smile and my sadness. Forgiveness is about acknowledging your anger and then giving it away. Forgiveness is not for the weak. I've also discovered that one of my largest problems with forgiveness is realizing that forgiveness doesn't always happen after you know the person is going to "change". Forgiving also does not mean condoning. Forgiving is a lot like letting go and all of these are issues I am willing to face and address. I've made it through the first step which is the ability to recognize. This is more of a personal note for myself... I can't continue to surround myself with people who choose to live a lie. Lie to themselves, family, friends... everyone. These are the last words I will let you say to me. The healing process starts now. Good bye.

When a fox is in the bottle where the tweetle beetles battle with their paddles in a puddle on a noodle-eating poodle. THIS is what they call... a teetle beetle noodle poodle bottled paddled muddled duddled fuddled wuddled fox in socks, sir!

I'm thankful for bananagrams. :)

I'm back AND I have goals...

I suppose I sort of failed at being a consistent blogger. I offer not an attempt at an excuse, but simply a testament that I will try harder.

I'm back at school for our interim. After a few tears shed on the way back, I know I'm ready to be here. Tears shed, not because I want to be home so badly, but because I've discovered that returning to a place you feel defeated by is quite difficult. I was overwhelmed by a rainbow of emotions and it poured out of me like a rainy day.

Nevertheless, I'm here and things are unpacked. I have a couple miscellaneous bags left but for the most part everything is in it's correct spot. Groceries have been bought, veggies and all. OH, and I purchased a $10 coffee maker. I needed my very own. My addictions is getting worse and I thought today I needed to feed it a little. I figured in the long run I'll be saving quite a bit of money.

Being here will be ok. I'm taking a class entitled "forgiveness" that I hope to learn a thing or two in. In all honesty, I know there's a reason aside from the obvious as to why I'm not in Minneapolis this month and I'm back here at school and as I sit in the cozy, cotton flower scented lounge, I wait with anticipation for what exactly it is.

With that being said, I have a few goals for myself as I enter into this Interim and the year 2009..

- I want to create a consistent work out plan. Busting zippers in your favorite jeans is a surefire sign that the gym is calling your name. I have the time and no excuses.
- I want to read 3 to 4 books these next three weeks. I rarely set aside time for this when in the typical semester and so now is my time to catch up on a few novels.
- I want to do a better job of tracking my debit card usage. This area could use a lot of work.
- I want to get a head start these next three weeks on planning for Social Work club. Creating goals and planning upcoming activities so I don't feel so overwhelmed when the semester starts.
-I want to visit my best guy friend just as promised and not use the weather or length of travel as an excuse.
- Lastly and most importantly... and this has been an ongoing process and goal of mine... I refuse to compromise the person I claim to be for literally anyone. Sometimes people get wrapped up in toxic people that offer no cleansing to one's soul. Sometimes it's too late and you realize you're not the person you want to be. Getting out of the cobwebbed mess isn't easy but it's not impossible.

I'm thankful for my clairvoyant friends and the time I'm given to figure and sort some things out.