abandoned...

Well, I suppose it's partially my fault.

I mean, in all honesty, I work just enough time to gain their trust. Full time- most of the time 50 to 60 hours a week this summer with the same 22 girls. (more than I can say I spend with any one individual)

And then I leave. I leave for awhile. and only come back at most, one weekend a month. My girls feel like I've abandoned them just like most everyone else in their lives. So when I come back, to nearly all brand new girls (since the group I worked with this summer) it's no wonder I get completely disrespected. To most of them, I WAS the NEW GIRL. Here I am, waltzing in and trying to tell them what to do. Needless to say, my weekend back at work didn't go quite like the others.

After 28 hours with not an ounce of fresh air, I'm EXHAUSTED. I'm tried of arguing and tired of standing. After a day full of being sworn at, yelled at, questioned, laughed at, you name it, it happened-- I'm just flat out tired. There was at one point, I was BEGGING to be "stuck" in the kitchen making all off the food. Bless my fellow staff members who are working full time with this challenging group of adolescent girls.

It's not an easy job. It's not easy for one second. But for all of the times I was completely disrespected, there was that one moment in the last hour that made my job all worthwhile.

A new girl. She had a rough week. Quite aggressive and defiant. I wasn't there for that. What I saw, a young girl, hurt and searching. Searching for someone. Her intentions weren't malicious and her heart was warm and she was hurting. Abandoned by her father, influenced in the worst ways by her mother, degraded by her aunt, her guardian, triggered by her foster mom, and last but not least, taken care of and still physically abused by her sister. She has literally lived the last 15 years of her life feeling like she was worthless. She's been told that. And any dreams she had for herself were so easily crushed by the adult figures around her. It's no wonder she searched for a family. It's no wonder she found a family in a gang. They would protect her.

My goal for the night: To reopen some doors. It started with a simple question... "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I wanted to give her hope. I wanted to feel hope. Her innocent, dry sense of humor touched my heart in the best and worst way possible. When it comes to my job I can hold it together pretty well. I found my heart pretty heavy after tonights discussion and my eyes welled up after she walked away.

I hate that she hurts.

I hate that she's never felt wanted.

and I know... this is why I keep coming back... they deserve to feel compassion from someone...