Romans 8

So in an effort to connect the beginning of the year to... well, NOW... here it goes. 

I left Montego Bay crying. literally flew out of the country in tears and landed in the U.S. in tears. I wasn't ready to be done. I didn't feel like I had offered up everything I had... and in part, I think I felt so close to God while I was there. 

So, I'm back home for a week and getting ready to move a couple hours away to fulfill my last semester of college in a full time internship. Something prior to Jamaica I was ecstatic about. Suddenly I'm moving so fast and the emails and phone calls are coming in... everyone around me is moving so fast... and I feel like I can't breathe. I left part of my heart in Jamaica and at any part of the day I find myself in deep thought and prayer... constantly thinking about my little ones... and crying... a month later... I'm driving home from my internship, and two second later sobbing. Two months later I'm still telling stories, and then I'm crying. - Am I supposed to find a way to move on? -- or Had God instilled this feeling in my heart to drive my every future decision? 

That's where I'm at. I'm trying to figure out what this all means. Here's what I know: 

- The Jamaican people have a special place in my heart. 

- I have several children hand prints on my heart that I can't seem to let go of. 

- I'm consistently looking for ways to find my way back there. 

- The Great World Race gave me goosebumps. 

- I call friends in Jamaica at least twice a week. 

-International adoption has new meaning to me.

So here's what I've been doing:

-Praying for direction (among other things) and digging into the word

-I made a commitment to sub lease from a friend for the summer. 

-I'm applying for jobs.-- Seeking meaningful work. Something that will light a fire in my heart.

I truly think that God will send me back to Jamaica... and/or somewhere else to wrap my arms around the suffering... I just don't think that time is now. And although that pains me to say that... I know that when I do go somewhere else... it will be when it's HIS time... and it will be beautiful. 

So, that leads me to this weekish. I applied for a job last Thursday. I found an opening at a Christian Adoption Agency... that for the FIRST TIME since Jamaica... I felt such a tug. In the past week... I've found myself dreaming about this job... to the point of not dreaming and not sleeping. So I prayed... and told God... telling him that I know it's up to him and I'll accept whatever decision he makes... and making sure he knew that I sort of really wanted it. ;) -- so... then in the last couple of days I've found myself getting oh so very impatient. So, I turned to the word. I took a special look Romans 8:24-25 "We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)"... SO THEN... I GOT THIS BRILLIANT idea... TO READ THE ENTIRE CHAPTER... and let me tell you... Romans chapter 8 has been my chapter the past month. 

I'm not going to copy and paste the entire chapter into this blog, but I could HIGHLY encourage all of you to read it. -- At the beginning of the chapter it really lays out our sinful nature as humans and the sacrifice that was made for ME... FOR US... it then provides hope for the future... and not just here on earth, but eternally. Paul talks about the Holy Spirit... and being led by the Holy Spirit and letting God be the center of our lives... and our responsibilities as Christians.... AND THEN.... after you've read the ENTIRE  beginning chapter... and it may feel daunting at first... talking about our sinful imperfect nature... and once we've accepted Christ the responsibility that's upon us... and God's goal to make us like Christ... Paul ends (and what I think could be some of the most comforting verses in the bible) with telling all of us that if God is for us... WHO CAN BE AGAINST US? (8:31)... and that if HE gave up his only Son... he will give us all things!...(exactly what I was talking about in my previous post) and that Jesus is at his RIGHT HAND... Jesus... who was perfectly human.. and KNOWS what it's like to be rejected... who knows our every emotion... and has felt our every emotion... is advocating FOR US... presenting our case to God... "advocating"... what a cool word right!??! Have you ever looked at Christ's role like that? SO THEN, it ends with saying... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING... can separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord. (the verse we're all so familiar with) Just amazing. 

So... anyway... after doing a mini dig into the word... I felt much comfort... and whatever the decision about the job is.. it will be HIS decision.. and the Holy Spirit may lead me into another direction.... and despite what I find out... I will not for a second lose Christ... and getting the email today.... stating that prior to receiving my resume.. the position had been offered to another candidate... and if she declines they will then review my materials... well, it didn't feel that bad.