a favorite.

There are some obvious benefits of working in an Elementary School... and not only that, but working to increase literacy-- Allow me to highlight just one today... I get to read books... little kiddo books with lots of pictures...and I hang out in a library... with lots of little kiddo books. AND MY FAVORITE... is Steven Kellogg. It doesn't matter if he wrote and illustrated the book... or if he just illustrated it... They are absolutely delightful and SO FUNNY! The pictures are busy... and hysterical... and my kids know... MAJOR POINTS if they pick out a Kellogg book. - I'm just going to have to own every single one when I have kiddos of my own. :)

the call.

It's the silent call, in the midst of all my dreams, that seems to speak to the longing in my heart...

Lord you call in the silence... and you call in the night... with your gentle touch, you call me back to life...

Master... let me follow.

~pulled from "the Call" by Carol Meier

Screaming Psalm 94

art by louisa giffard

So... I'm fully aware that I told all of you that I would write about the book I'm reading.. 'Captivating'... But... we're going to have to put that on hold... a.) because I'm not sure what I'm going to quite say... and b.) because today, I want you to read this Psalm. 

Psalm 94- NLT

 ¹ O Lord, the God of vengeance,
      O God of vengeance, let your glorious justice shine forth!
 ² Arise, O judge of the earth.
      Give the proud what they deserve.
 ³ How long, O Lord?
      How long will the wicked be allowed to gloat?
 ⁴ How long will they speak with arrogance?
      How long will these evil people boast?
 ⁵ They crush your people, Lord,
      hurting those you claim as your own.
 ⁶ They kill widows and foreigners
      and murder orphans.
 ⁷ “The Lord isn’t looking,” they say,
      “and besides, the God of Israel doesn’t care.”

 ⁸ Think again, you fools!
      When will you finally catch on?
 ⁹ Is he deaf—the one who made your ears?
      Is he blind—the one who formed your eyes?
 ¹⁰ He punishes the nations—won’t he also punish you?
      He knows everything—doesn’t he also know what you are doing?
 ¹¹ The Lord knows people’s thoughts;
      he knows they are worthless!

 ¹² Joyful are those you discipline, Lord,
      those you teach with your instructions.
 ¹³ You give them relief from troubled times
      until a pit is dug to capture the wicked.
 ¹⁴ The Lord will not reject his people;
      he will not abandon his special possession.
 ¹⁵ Judgment will again be founded on justice,
      and those with virtuous hearts will pursue it.

 ¹⁶ Who will protect me from the wicked?
      Who will stand up for me against evildoers?
 ¹⁷ Unless the Lord had helped me,
      I would soon have settled in the silence of the grave.
 ¹⁸ I cried out, “I am slipping!”
      but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me.
 ¹⁹ When doubts filled my mind,
      your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.

 ²⁰ Can unjust leaders claim that God is on their side—
      leaders whose decrees permit injustice?
 ²¹ They gang up against the righteous
      and condemn the innocent to death.
 ²² But the Lord is my fortress;
      my God is the mighty rock where I hide.
 ²³ God will turn the sins of evil people back on them.
      He will destroy them for their sins.
      The Lord our God will destroy them.

I just love this translation. Have you ever had a conversation with someone about faith and they seem to disagree with everything you say and you start to have this little inkling of frustration?-- Does anyone feel like just screaming this Psalm in their face would be super liberating? Although I'm not sure that's how we're supposed to handle those feelings... does anyone sense my frustration?... does anyone have the desire to scream this Psalm?-- or even just verse 8? I feel so much that this Psalm is my personal anthem. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders every single time I read it. 

I'm open to other thoughts on this Psalm!

Hello Dave Barnes!

Alright. I know the picture is not a good one. It was taken from my phone and I can't find my camera cord to download my pictures onto my computer so that all of you can see the sheer amazing-ness of my evening. For those of you can't tell, I went to see DAVE BARNES in concert last night. I saw both him and Matt Wertz my senior year of high school and man oh man has he gotten EVEN BETTER! What a great entertainer. PLEASE listen to his music! PS If there's anyone out there that wants to write me love songs much like Daves, I'm taking applications... ;)

 Senior in high school! Dave fans from the start! (my first dave concert!)

Letters to God

I didn't allow a lot of time to blog tonight. I'm in the middle of reading a select few chapters in Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge.I'm sure most of you have heard of it. Both Wild at Heart and Captivating get referenced all the time in sermons, speakers, other books, bible studies... etc. ANYWAY, I've already read the book, but sometimes I like to go back and read certain chapters. SO, TOMORROW... I can't wait to have a little discussion with all of you about it.... 

BUT FOR TONIGHT... 

I want to tell you that I went to see Letters to God this weekend and... it was just a LOVELY movie. It touched my heart and was very powerful. I'm not sure that I've cried more watching any other movie. The acting wasn't superb, but was descent. It really gave me a chance to reflect upon my own life and my own relationships. I found myself taking a second to pray during the movie and really wondering where my heart would be at if I were any one of the characters. SO, this is ME telling YOU that this movie is a MUST SEE!

Romans 8

So in an effort to connect the beginning of the year to... well, NOW... here it goes. 

I left Montego Bay crying. literally flew out of the country in tears and landed in the U.S. in tears. I wasn't ready to be done. I didn't feel like I had offered up everything I had... and in part, I think I felt so close to God while I was there. 

So, I'm back home for a week and getting ready to move a couple hours away to fulfill my last semester of college in a full time internship. Something prior to Jamaica I was ecstatic about. Suddenly I'm moving so fast and the emails and phone calls are coming in... everyone around me is moving so fast... and I feel like I can't breathe. I left part of my heart in Jamaica and at any part of the day I find myself in deep thought and prayer... constantly thinking about my little ones... and crying... a month later... I'm driving home from my internship, and two second later sobbing. Two months later I'm still telling stories, and then I'm crying. - Am I supposed to find a way to move on? -- or Had God instilled this feeling in my heart to drive my every future decision? 

That's where I'm at. I'm trying to figure out what this all means. Here's what I know: 

- The Jamaican people have a special place in my heart. 

- I have several children hand prints on my heart that I can't seem to let go of. 

- I'm consistently looking for ways to find my way back there. 

- The Great World Race gave me goosebumps. 

- I call friends in Jamaica at least twice a week. 

-International adoption has new meaning to me.

So here's what I've been doing:

-Praying for direction (among other things) and digging into the word

-I made a commitment to sub lease from a friend for the summer. 

-I'm applying for jobs.-- Seeking meaningful work. Something that will light a fire in my heart.

I truly think that God will send me back to Jamaica... and/or somewhere else to wrap my arms around the suffering... I just don't think that time is now. And although that pains me to say that... I know that when I do go somewhere else... it will be when it's HIS time... and it will be beautiful. 

So, that leads me to this weekish. I applied for a job last Thursday. I found an opening at a Christian Adoption Agency... that for the FIRST TIME since Jamaica... I felt such a tug. In the past week... I've found myself dreaming about this job... to the point of not dreaming and not sleeping. So I prayed... and told God... telling him that I know it's up to him and I'll accept whatever decision he makes... and making sure he knew that I sort of really wanted it. ;) -- so... then in the last couple of days I've found myself getting oh so very impatient. So, I turned to the word. I took a special look Romans 8:24-25 "We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)"... SO THEN... I GOT THIS BRILLIANT idea... TO READ THE ENTIRE CHAPTER... and let me tell you... Romans chapter 8 has been my chapter the past month. 

I'm not going to copy and paste the entire chapter into this blog, but I could HIGHLY encourage all of you to read it. -- At the beginning of the chapter it really lays out our sinful nature as humans and the sacrifice that was made for ME... FOR US... it then provides hope for the future... and not just here on earth, but eternally. Paul talks about the Holy Spirit... and being led by the Holy Spirit and letting God be the center of our lives... and our responsibilities as Christians.... AND THEN.... after you've read the ENTIRE  beginning chapter... and it may feel daunting at first... talking about our sinful imperfect nature... and once we've accepted Christ the responsibility that's upon us... and God's goal to make us like Christ... Paul ends (and what I think could be some of the most comforting verses in the bible) with telling all of us that if God is for us... WHO CAN BE AGAINST US? (8:31)... and that if HE gave up his only Son... he will give us all things!...(exactly what I was talking about in my previous post) and that Jesus is at his RIGHT HAND... Jesus... who was perfectly human.. and KNOWS what it's like to be rejected... who knows our every emotion... and has felt our every emotion... is advocating FOR US... presenting our case to God... "advocating"... what a cool word right!??! Have you ever looked at Christ's role like that? SO THEN, it ends with saying... ABSOLUTELY NOTHING... can separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord. (the verse we're all so familiar with) Just amazing. 

So... anyway... after doing a mini dig into the word... I felt much comfort... and whatever the decision about the job is.. it will be HIS decision.. and the Holy Spirit may lead me into another direction.... and despite what I find out... I will not for a second lose Christ... and getting the email today.... stating that prior to receiving my resume.. the position had been offered to another candidate... and if she declines they will then review my materials... well, it didn't feel that bad. 

alive and kicking.

happy easter everyone! 

Surprise! I'm still alive... and kicking... and BOY AM I KICKING! 

happy 2010! (better late than never!)- things have been just wild since the start of the new year... and i have been all over the place. i feel like i have had very little time to breathe since the new year started. i started off my new year with a trip to Jamaica. -- and boy am i anxious to tell all of you stories about my experiences. what good is a day by day written journal if i don't get to share it with SOMEONE! Christ did some amazing things with my heart while i was in Jamaica. 

1st things first. do you all remember my trip to Puerto Rico last spring? Well during that trip i was talking to one of the site leaders about other service experiences and she mentioned Jamaica. i immediately felt a burning desire to be there. i had to go. THE HOLY SPIRIT IS AN AMAZING INDESCRIBABLE THING! i had to figure out how to go. how i could make it happen. after lots of prayer and research, i set up a professional social work experience at the Child Development Agency in Jamaica. the CDA mirrors much of what Child Protective Services and Department of Human Services does here in the U.S. -- protecting children from abuse and neglect. I specifically spent a lot of time at one of MoBay's Places of Safety. 

I spent 3 weeks in Jamaica. 3 of the most amazing powerful weeks of my life. i don't like that i sound so cliche when i talk about it changing my life, but it truly did. Christ used Jamaica to light this fire in my heart. This burning desire to not only serve him, but to truly have a broken heart due to social injustices and sin. 

my life didn't change because i finally realized how many more resources the U.S. had compared to Jamaica and then i suddenly appreciated all that i had.... (although this was evident, and i did appreciate all that i had), my life didn't change because i saw corrupt police officers, starving Jamaicans, tin shacks, robbery's, and abuse first hand... (although my heart did sink) and my life didn't change because I stood 5 feet away from a 17 year old boy that shot his classmate out of anger, a 14 year old boy that set his house on fire, and a 16 year old girl that stabbed another girl with intent to kill... (although I did weep and pray for these children)----

but my life changed.... and my heart broke for the little boy at the orphanage that literally stole my heart with his charming smile, mischievous personality, and crying heart. Sonjay. the process of saying goodbye was getting harder and harder. and the last day... i felt a pain so deep... something that ached so bad... something i have never felt... in my heart trickling down into my stomach. he cried when i left. he sobbed with every ounce of energy he had in his body. he just wanted someone to hold him. he just wanted someone to care. he wanted someone's arms to be in. he wanted someone to rock him when he was sick and someone to kiss him when he smiled. he wanted someone to stay. i was that person for 3 weeks. i created a bond. i created a bond with the little boy that everyone was fed up with. and then i left. i felt like i took everything that he had and everything that he ever wanted. and my heart broke. 

my heart had never hurt so bad. it's been said that there is no possible way that a human being would ever feel even a portion of the pain that Jesus endured when he took on every one of our sins. and then i cried. i cried because i hurt more than i have ever hurt, and yet it was nothing compared to the sin that Jesus endured. this little boy was suffering at the hand of sin...i then thought about all of the times that i sin... and how i've hurt someone... JESUS more than the hurt I was feeling. -- WOW. i was speechless. still am. 

So today... this Easter Sunday... the third day after Christ died for our sins. the third day after God gave his son... his child. his only child. HIS ONLY PERFECT CHILD to die for ME... my sinning inconsiderate, selfish, imperfect self... this Easter Sunday. this day. this day he rose. -- i'm praying. praying because i will never be able to understand the weight of sin HE carries... God loves me. ME! Thank you Jesus. Thank you.

Stay tuned... can't wait to tell you what God is doing in my life TODAY!