it's official.

i had an interview today. it's for a position in a domestic violence shelter, working with the youth and their mothers. i'm super excited about the position. the interview went really well. i was happy with all my responses to the questions that were asked. i then asked at the end, "how many individuals do you have interviewing for this position?"-- and i then hear, "we had 80 apply, and we are holding interviews with 40 of the applicants." and then this is what went through my head, "WHOA BABY! I'M ONE OF 40! $#$*&^&!!

So here I am. confident with my interview. sort of. but frustrated. they tell me it's going to take 1 to 2 more weeks to figure out 2nd round interviews.

all day i kept saying to myself, "not my will be done Lord, but yours"... and for the longest time, i just kept asking God for an interview. so i got one, and now it's not like it's good enough. i keep wanting more and i'm mad at myself for thinking this way. so very mad. i'm mad that i'm sitting here right now and i don't have a job, and tomorrow i don't have to go to a job. for the very first time IN MONTHS, i'm questioning whether or not i'm supposed to be here. AND IT'S ONLY BEEN ONE INTERVIEW! ~

let me lay this out for all of you some more... in case you didn't quite get it... i asked God for just an interview. i got the interview. (this is the time i'm supposed to be lifted up and feel like there's hope)... and yet, right now i'm questioning more than ever whether i'm supposed to be here. and overall, i'm mad at myself for not being grateful for what he's given me. i've spent so long trying to avoid these feelings... and here they are. ugh.

dear heavenly father, you know my heart better than i do. i'm thankful for the opportunity you gave me today. i'm unsure if this is where you want me, but nevertheless, you wanted me to learn... and perhaps this was practice for something else.. i'm unsure. please know that i'm trying to be patient. i trust that you have a plan. you always do. never have you failed me. i need to work on showing you that i trust you. calm this wild heart of mine. give me direction. i want to do your will. your will be done father. not mine. father i need a sign. i need something. should i search other places? i'm willing to pick up everything and move tomorrow. i will for you father. ~ i pray this in your holy and perfect name. amen.

                                                                                              ~this is how i feel today~